My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
