I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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