Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers