just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I have aggressive nipples.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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