if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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So much Jack, so little girl.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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