i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
