Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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