I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
