she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
