I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
