so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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