I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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