i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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