someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Come see our sink grown plant.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
