I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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