He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
