forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
tell me about the eggs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
