Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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