Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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