i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
