Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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