how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
