Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
