If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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