i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
