but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
