It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
