When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
