Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
