break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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