I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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