Betty ford says i'm here all night
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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