i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
