MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
