I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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