i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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