My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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