your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
