I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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