I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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