Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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