I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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