Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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