trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if only i could text you this smell
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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