i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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