She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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