All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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