Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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