I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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