You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
