I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
