just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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