There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
