i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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