I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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