I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
