i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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