And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
