Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
