last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
