singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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