Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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