I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
