sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
