my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
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Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.