I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
