I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
